So it’s almost 11 am and I’m siting here just now eating a healthy breakfast of frozen blueberry waffles and coffee. I have my 3 1/2 month old son in my lap watching me type because he screams anytime I try to set him down and was fighting to get out of the wrap I had him in. This is a daily occurrence. My husband asked on his way out the door this morning if I could try and do a load of laundry today so that the jeans he needs for an event tomorrow night would be washed. I smiled and shook my head yes through my sleepy fog. Little did he know that laundry was already on my to-do list for the day. It’s on my list every day. Along with cleaning the kitchen, then getting it dirty again from making dinner, sweeping the floors, cleaning the bathrooms, and clearing off the dining room and coffee tables that are both ALWAYS covered in crap. Not literally of course (although it wouldn’t be surprising to find a dirty diaper or two from time to time) but mail, empty bottles, and Christmas decor I haven’t found a “place” for which will inevitably just get moved to some other table in some other room.
Y’all, I’m not a super clean person. I never have been but when I got married something in me switched and all of a sudden those 4 am set daily cleaning schedule genes I must have inherited from my mother came screaming out. I cringed every time Adam wanted to throw a get together. I compare my house to our friends which are always pristine when we walk in, where everything has a home and they have no clutter (how is this even possible!). I dream of having a beautiful, sleek Joanna Gaines home and I try, I seriously try to organize and clear out what we don’t need but my home will likely never get there. Besides the housework that never gets done and seems to multiply by the minute, I’ve been needing to cut little one’s nails for the past week. I’ve got every intention to do that when he falls asleep but here’s what happens. He finally goes down for his nap and I need to shower, then he wakes up before I’m done getting dressed. So I say ‘next nap’ and when that finally comes then it’s time to eat something myself before I forget yet again or take the opportunity to clean something and before I know it it’s time to put him to bed and I’ve plum forgotten entirely and honestly ready to just have some me time and the cycle starts all over again the next day.
I’m writing this post today because it has weighed heavily on my life, my marriage and now my parenting; this feeling of inadequacy. I thought the first week home with Myles was trying but this week something came over me and I feel just like I did that week, only with a little more sleep. I feel like I’m failing. So many moms seem to have it together. They get up, go to work, come home, make dinner, play with & teach their child or children, clean the house and then go to sleep and get up and do it all over again. Other moms are up and looking fab by 8 and taking their babies out for walks and play dates, going to lunches or the zoo. Why can’t I be that way? Why is it so hard for me to pull myself out of bed by 9 am? Why do I feel this constant desire to just sit? Why when it comes time to leave for the meetup I signed up for last week I have this overwhelming desire to just say nevermind? Maybe this really wasn’t the life I was meant to live. That’s a really hard feeling to live with and a really hard thing to say out loud. Like I love being a mother. That boy is the best thing I have ever done, ever! But sometimes I struggle to believe that I’m loving enough or doing a good enough job. Sometimes I just can’t entertain my little prince as bad as that sounds. Sometimes, I just need a break. I am tired. Tired of talking constantly, showing something constantly, singing constantly so much that this past week I have barely “taught” my child anything. We’ve barely talked and I feel like such a bad mother. Last week was such a welcome relief to have my parents here to entertain him most of the day so I could just honestly sit without feeling guilty. I strongly believe kids need limited screen time but you guys, these kids shows are going to be a lifesaver. In fact, it’s allowing me to sit here right now and type part of this post and I don’t feel one bit guilty about that. Myles seems to enjoy it and he’s learning about animals and sounds. Win-win! The whole point of this post though is to explain that I don’t believe anything is wrong with me. And nothing is wrong with you either if these feelings creep into your mind and heart. As I laid in bed and silently cried on Tuesday I woke up yesterday and looked around and realized why do I care? Why do I care so much what my house looks likes. Why do I care how much junk I have compared to others and why do I feel the need to have it together? Why do I care if Myles still can’t roll over and doesn’t have a schedule like all these other I got this moms babies do? My husband doesn’t seem to care that the bathroom still hasn’t been cleaned or that the floors look like Christmas has been shedding it’s piney pieces all year. And quite frankly if it bothered him enough, he can clean it himself! (Doubtful but still praying this may don on him one day) So I’m done caring that there is junk in the corners of every room. Done caring that my throw pillows don’t match and that I have plastic containers to house all my I’ll get to it one day things. That my laundry is still sitting in baskets and will probably never get officially put away.
So to all you mothers out there that are barely keeping it together. I am you. To the mommas and dadas that have a sink full of yesterdays dishes and a washer full of last week’s laundry (it happens), yeah you. Look at that tiny little babe half sleeping in the rocker or screaming on that play mat. Did you look? That baby is pretty dang cute and sure looks pretty alive. Did that toothless (or maybe semi toothless) grin get ya? It should. That babe thinks you are the bees knees, messy house and all.
I’ve decided to take a step back and let go of my need for order as much as I can without completely going insane. I urge you to do the same. It’s always easier to have a partner or a whole village that is fighting with you and so I’d love to take this journey with someone. If you feel inclined let’s treat each other to messy kitchen pictures every week to make each other feel better. And if we make it to baby yoga this week awesome, but if we decide we’d rather not leave the house for 4 days that’s fine too. You roll with the punches or in my case a nearly 4 month old’s attitude at that given moment. Let’s all say a little prayer for peace and contentment in how our lives are at this given point in time and… maybe also for a Roomba or maid for Christmas. 😀